Tonight I'm Melancholy

It is 11:30 at night on July 31st.

I cannot get it out of my head that in 30 minutes it will be August 1st, 2008.

I'm not looking forward to it.

I'm loosing sleep over it.

I wish I could sleep through it. In fact, who could I write to get the date forever removed from the calendar??

I can't believe it's been 10 years.

August 1, 1998 was the worst day of my life. It's a day that I'm sure started out just like any other day. It was a day I had promised my grandma I would take her to Black Hawk. I didn't want to go. I had a bad feeling about it. It was like God was whispering in my ear to not go. Why didn't I listen? My grandma was so excited to go that's why I didn't listen. Oh who am I kidding? I still don't listen all that well...anyway... She had been talking about it all morning. I loved to see her smile. She was the most beautiful woman in the world. How could I say no to that?

So up the mountain we went. We had a fun afternoon. My grandma saved every nickle, dime, and quarter in a jar. She loved slot machines, and looked forward to any chance she got to go. We laughed a lot, and we talked. We at lunch at the restaurant I used to work at. I really hope she had a great time.

Then it started raining. Grandma didn't want to go yet. She thought we should wait the rain out. Another chance I had to listen...God was speaking louder now. I was worried the weather would get worse though, and so I wanted to get down the canyon.

I wasn't driving fast. You didn't dare drive crazy with Grandma in the car. I don't even really know how it happened. They say I hydroplaned. I hit a bus head on. A really big bus. The bus won. You know that bus barely had a scratch???

Then she was gone. The most beautiful woman in the world opened her eyes, closed them, and she was gone. A witness did CPR, and she lived for 3 more months. She was never able to leave the hospital though. She hated hospitals.

I miss her so much. My back and neck have been killing me this week. It's like even my body remembers. It's been 10 years and still I cry. I wish I could hear her voice.

She loved Jesus. For the months after the accident she was begging Him to take her home. I know she is there Him now.

The song Homesick by Mercy Me always makes me think of her. Here it is:

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now



I miss you Grandma.